To all loving partners (or friends and family members) out there

Following is a discussion between Happy and myself that was accidentally deleted a while back. I put it back in because I think it is carries an extremely important message for all of your loved ones out there - to help them understand how they can help you.



Hi there,

My wife has been on a diet fighting candida for the past few months and she's put much efforts into it.
I have a few questions:
- What can I do to help her?
- Will I also have to follow this diet after she'd done or even right now?
- Should we abstain from kissing?
I also read some posts where moderators talk about candida as a living thing, like it "thinks" and operate with intentions, a will, etc. Can anyone comment on that?
Thanks,
HappyDways


Hi Happy,
You are doing so much for your wife just by coming to this site!!! Thank you for that. She’s a lucky woman to have such a caring man who is interested in what is happening with her.

I don’t know how severe or diverse your wife’s symptoms are but I know that especially in serious cases, it can get pretty weird for spouses. You guys hear it all and have to find some way to understand it all too. It’s difficult enough to believe it is all really happening for the person it’s happening to.

The most supportive thing you can do for her is to help her research and to be a sounding board for her while she sorts through the detective work is that is an essential part of healing from such a complicated condition. As you know by now, candida related complex can involve confusingly extreme immune sensitivity and discombobulating and frighteningly unpredictable physical and emotional reactions all over the place.

The worst place to try to heal from is the very lonely place where most of us are forced to look for our own strength to overcome both the illness and the criticism and ignorance of those around us. Sometimes those closest to us can end up hurting us deeply just by not understanding. With the emotional stress caused by this alienation, combined with brain fog and then to top it all off, the terrible physical symptoms that often go unrecognized by health practitioners and family/ friends alike, it can be very, very hard to maintain a logical, well organized approach to deciphering symptoms and cures.

I’m sure every single member on this forum would agree passionately with me that there is no better medicine than to have a loved one truly join your healing as a full, whole hearted partner in the project. Your clear mind and objectiveness will help her immensely with the process while your supportive understanding will speed her healing in other ways.

The candida does not really have a personality, I suppose we all refer to it as if it does because it helps us to separate the candida from the person. In order to maintain objectivity about the emotional instability and the food cravings caused by the candida and its neuro-toxic chemical byproducts, it helps to use language that reminds us of who our opponent in this struggle really is. Without this separation, I think many people find that they might be going crazy or becoming paranoid because without remembering to blame the candida, the focus turns to our own body as the opponent. The negative implications of this are definitely antagonistic to healing. The mental anguish and fear for our mental health is a huge component of the candida experience for many people.

The alienating effect of experiencing life and food in a way that is so completely differently from those around us can keep us wondering about the soundness of our treatment approach and the reality of our condition. The fact that candida is not commonly understood or recognized by most physicians exacerbates this invalidating part of the experience. Again, steadfastness with your support for your wife, will help her more than I can say.
As all of our moderators and many of our past members can contest to, candida can be beaten. Surprisingly, it has a sunny side as it usually brings some wonderful lessons about taking care of our hearts and our bodies. Many folks who are now well known practitioners in complementary health care, learned their first lessons about a more natural approach to health care thanks to a candida related health crisis.

Tarilee



Hi again,

To all husbands and partners out there who don't know what to make of their wives condition and battle with candida:

Thanks for taking some time to read this. This forum is a place where many women afflicted with candida find life-changing support and resources.

I just read about this woman here who's lost her family because of the way things have turned out doing this diet. It does not have to happen, guys.

I have a few things I'd like to suggest. Take some time to read some of the stories here. and most importantely, take time to listen to what your wife has to say. She will change, and it's going to be another form of PMS at times, and it can make you forget that she's still in there somewhere, fighting against something that has overpowered her body.

It is not easy for anyone. Period. It's not about us losing something, but about us walking with her "in sickness and in health".

Because much of the medical community is not too keen on seeing candida and diagnosing it, because drugs don't work that well with it (side effects not worth the trouble, and not so effective as a full treatment and changing eating habits), it does not mean your wife is doing it wrong.

If our wives could choose their illness, I dare say they would choose something else! But they HAVE chosen us as husbands. Life is hard and complicated at times, so we need to give up a few things too in order to help our loved one.

Our lifestyle can change. It's not the end of the world. We wouldn't want our wives to die so we could enjoy our "programs" again, would we? I don't think so. It's about give and take. Little changes can seem big after years of routine living, but they truly aren't...

The battle I SEE my wife doing is just the tip of the iceberg. She fights things in a deeper way than I could ever be aware of. And it often touches her own value as a person, feeling helpless and a burden, depression, fatigue, having to run uphill the deluge of temptations to give up and feed what's destroying her body, damaged self-worth, guilt regarding the money issue because she has to buy fresh food and often to keep it fresh and it costs more money, lack of energy for stuff beside catering to the diet.

But here are some things I could NEVER accuse my wife of: laziness, ungratefulness, selfishness, stupidity, ignorance, unwillingness, scheming. That is what candida wants her to be, though... But she said NO.

I hope and pray that all husbands and partners out there will join together with their loved ones and help out as best they can. Support is 50% of recovery. Any former substance abuser or person dealing with addiction will tell you that much. The prospect of losing us is not an illusion for these women, it's a real fear, and for some, SADLY, it has already happened.

Men, I have to speak my mind: if you can't handle it, find help to sort through the issues you are facing too. Because candida wants more than your wife's body. Fights over this whole treatment season might very well happen. But reconciliation is a key. Look at it this way: this is a condition that is just starting to be recognized by a portion of the medical community. Many doctors don't even have a clue and blame the condition on something THEY know, which invariably demands medication, sometimes with weird and damaging side-effects.

Do you want your wife to be a guinea pig for their ignorance? Would you want your car fixed by a guy who doesn't really hear the noise you heard but still makes repairs around it to "try" to fix it? And you have to leave the car there, wait a few days, pay the money and get the car back with the problem showing up again. How many times would you go through that?

All I'm saying is this is serious stuff. Unless we support our spouses through the process, candida will take over in more ways than one. It is NOT only her fight, it's a family fight. Would we get rid of our kid because he or she is dealing with epilepsy or asthma, or is strongly allergic to some foods or animal hair?

Our wives need us. We have to build them up as they are forced to make changes in their diet and lifestyles. That's what love is about. That's what life is about: becoming better people. Trials do that to people: they break you, and call for reconstruction. Many things in life force us on the path to change. This is one of them. And my wife has gone through the cycles of denial, refusal, anger, rebellion, changes, cheating, coming back, acceptance, etc. It has challenged her. She is a great person who's value is shown full blown in how she's handling herself in this trial.

And I hope I am joining her in becoming a better person.

Just remember that love is the key.

HappyDways



Thank-you
Dear fellow sojourners,

Thank you for your kind words. I have learned so much from those trials that I don't know if I shouldn't "bless" them...

Lately has been another rough season for us and although there has been some set-backs, we were finally able to place them in the light of lessons. They have helped anchor my wife's resolves and actually given her body the experience of the goodness of proper treatment and proper dieting.

Not easy. But now she knows what she wants and why. Grace and mercy toward oneself, coupled with discipline and her faith, has helped her soar as never before.

Of course, it takes little things at times and she's back in momentary despair and the die-off takes its toll. But all in all, she proves the diet right for her right now.

I'm stumbling all over at times and don't "get it" quick enough where she's at that, and it takes some good working through conversations and soul-searching, but I am learning to see this as what loves requires. And it helps greatly in those rough times.

Love, always come back to love. Give each day a chance to be the one that will bring the miracle. For much is stored in the body that we know nothing of. And being sick sometimes is but a symptom of a deeper wound.

I had a vision of her and could see her wounds, and she was hiding them, in shame. And I, was gently trying to tell her, I needed to have access to her wounds so I could softly kiss them, and tell her that these were also who she is, and that I needed to embrace that part of her as well. Shame should have no room...

The natural speaks of the spiritual, and I think the purge of toxic stuff in the body can often be accompanied by acting out of burried emotions, unresolved traumas, etc. If this is the way life has arranged for these things to surface, I think we should pay attention to the body as well as beyond it.

There might be issues of bitterness and unforgiveness, anger to be released. That's why it is so important that partners stick together through this season. It could prove to be very rewarding in the long run. Not easy of course, and I know it first hand. But when I become participant of my wife's healing, I also benefit from it in many ways. Because, I too need to face up to some issues of the heart and soul that are unresolved...

What love requires...
What vows have spawned,
Lift us higher
Where trials are crowns.

Between us both
The deepest bond
Will be assailed,
Between us both
We'll stand stronger
And will prevail.

May you all receive blessings upon blessings today, and may healing wash over you all with waves of grace...

Regards,

Dways

[This message was edited by Tarilee on May 05, 2003 at 10:50 AM.]

Original Post
Hi Happy,

THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Your piece was one of the most deeply touching things I have EVER read. It gave me much insight into your maturity, strength and scruples both as a man and as a partner.

I hope many can learn from your example.
Happy,
You are a saint!!!
Can you clone yourself? I'm sure there are a lot of women who would love to have this kind of supportive partnership on this journey. smile
I just sent your posts to my boyfriend, who is actually quite supportive but may like to know how it is for other guys who are partnering us through this.
Thanks ever so,
Duck
This is truly lovely, truly...I've been lucky enough to have a very supportive husband--more than I could ever ask for, and it's nice to know others have that as well--What a sweet man to write that for others--If my husband's english was better (he speaks it, just doesn't read it quickly!) I'd print this off for him...In so many ways we're lucky and in so many ways this is an opportunity, not a punishment...I know it's hard to see it that way sometimes, but reading this has reaffirmed that in my mind...Thanks for reposting this!

Ashley
HappyDways,

There you are back on top again where you belong!! big grin

That was VERY nice. I also am lucky enough to have a very supportive husband. You wife is a very fortunate woman to have someone like you by her side...and to actually take the time to put this in words!!
Apparantely you BOTH have a great relationship!!

I wish you both well
jan
That was so wonderful to read! Its so nice to know that there are other understanding husbands out there. I have been very blessed to have mine who has gotten me through some of the darkest times in my life with Lyme and then candida...

What you wrote I hope will help others to understand how difficult it is to live with something that is not a "politically correct" diagnoses, and not understood by the general public.
Thank You Tarilee,

I probably would have never run across this post unless you had brought it up.

HappyD-

Thank You so much for sharing your thoughts- It certainly was not too much I could barely read it through my tears. Sometimes even when our husbands are very supportive we can feel very alone at times and I think they sometimes need a little reminder of what we deal with on a daily basis. God Bless You. Annie
Thank your for sharing where you and your wife are at on this healing journey.

Your words are beautiful and inspiring. Congratulations for find the gift in this illness...for both of you. You sound like a very rich person with a deep comittment to continuously building a rich and conscious marriage.

Take good care...both of you.
Are there no other men out there with Candida?
I am lucky enough to have a VERY supportive and tolerant girlfriend, but I guess they are quite common female characteristics anyway!
Candida has certainly made me at times a horrible person to be around, but I feel I'm well on the roud to recovery now. I don't know if I could have got through it on my own.
Our dear Maggie just posted a gorgeous description of the journey she's been through with her partner soliciting his support for her healing. It talks of the growth they've been through together and about the benefits he has enjoyed as an unintentional traveler on this path.

TLC

Hi,
I'm still pretty new on the program, but I thought I would add my 2 cents. My boyfriend and I rarely fight, but whenever we do, it is about my health or about my complete lack of interest in sex. It's really hard for him to understand that when my digestive system is sooo bloated and I'm itchy all over, and I have barely enough enery to get through the day, the last thing in the world that I want to do is have sex. It has taken a lot of arguing and explaining and hugging and crying, but he is finally starting to understand that it is not HIM I am avoiding, but rather the physical act itself. Now that I am starting to feel better, and I am beginning to have good days instead of only bad ones, he is figuring out that things can only get better from here, and he is a lot more understanding. Also, when I first started this "crazy diet," as he called it, he understood that I needed to do it, but expected to still be able to eat the same way we had been eating before. I expected that he should be able to as well, since it was in fact MY health issue, not his. He was good about dinner, as with the fatigue even he knew it was ridiculous to provide 2 different meals, but when I was trying to break my sugar/carb/dairy addictions, it was terrible to open the cabinet and see "his" food looking back at me. Or even worse, when he would leave an open package of cookies out on the table and then leave the house!! We had many arguments about this as well. As time went on, he began to see how much better I was feeling on this diet, and in a gradual process, we have eliminated almost all foods that are not good for me from the house. There are still a few things he could not give up, so we keep them in a really high cabinet in the kitchen where I don't see them all the time. Of course, now I don't even want most of them anymore, so it's no big deal. He is not 100% on my diet, but he keeps most of his "illegal" snacking out of the house. Smile The fact that he has noticed some amazing improvements in his own health has encouraged him to be supportive of me. And let me tell you, having him support me in this by switching most of the way to the "not-so-crazy-anymore" diet has been the best thing to ever happen in our house.
I know it is hard to convince someone else to join you in such a difficult journey, but if it is possible, it is worth fighting for. And I totally get you when you say you wish he could feel for a week what you are feeling. I wished that every day for a long time. I wish I had more suggestions to offer for remedying the situation with your husband, but I hope my experience will at least give you some hope that it can be done! Good luck, and I hope you are feeling a little less overwhelmed and depressed. You definitely have support here!

--Maggie Smile
My husband was skeptical at first. But he's handicapped in his thinking: he believes the only way to get well is to go to a doctor. I've had very few positive experiences with doctors so I take responsibility for my own healthcare.

The turning point in his attitude happened on a Saturday:
(Scene- Dear Husband's study. DH is on his laptop surfing the net. Candida Carol walks done the hall past the study door)
Dear Husband: Hey did you know that my Lisinopril is made from the venom of a poisonous snake?"
Candida Carol: No! You're kidding!

Later in the day
(Scene- DH and CC are sitting at kitchen island talking about dinner when DH notices and READS the label on CC's Bentonite)
Dear Husband: YOU'RE EATING CLAY?
Candida Carol: Why yes I am. And YOU'RE taking snake venom. Wanna fight?
Dear Husband: No you're right. Healthcare is complex and I've always admired how educated you are on alternative medictine ... (well, okay he didn't say that last part but a girl can dream)

Anyway, after that he was wonderful about listening to my opinions, discoveries and plan of action. Then he read some of my literature and said, "How can I help you?" What a guy!
I had a really similar experience with my boyfriend, I.G. (Candida Carol...that's funny!). He was super-skeptical until I started feeling better and better and my symptoms started gradually going away.

He has WAY more faith in the conventional medical system than I do, but he's learning that really paying attention to your body is the first step.
Hi there
I am new to this forum and to the site. My partner has recently been diagnosed with candida - she is finding it very difficult. I've printed off information from here and elsewhere, found recipes and diet facts, printed off your questionnaire etc etc but she just doesn't seem to really read them or pay attention to them.

I know this can be part of the symptoms: lack of concentration, poor memory, but it seems like we have to go back over what she can and cannot eat every day and that seems to me to make it even more difficult as it becomes all about what she canNOT do rather than what she can do or what is improving for her.

Has anyone any suggestions to make this easier?
Or any other advice?

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